maybe love

i spent 4 hours today surfing the net on the meaning of "love".

maybe this is another of my days. i have these days when my mind goes on and on and i wonder about many things. i wonder about many people. and most of all, i wonder about myself.

taking a long walk, going round and round, i asked myself if i have ever known what love is. ma says she loves me - what does she mean by it? when she disagrees with all that i say and all that i do, is that love?

my brothers say they love me - what do they mean by it? when they cannot appreciate the happiness this person brings me, is that love?

i heard a few guys tell me they love me - what did they mean by it? when they make me cry and hurt my feelings, is that love?

how come i still don't know what love is?

the internet tells me there are different kinds of love. there are philosophical, psychological and even mythological definitions for it. with all these varied treatises on the subject, i like the one that says, "to sacrifice self-esteem for the other person". yes, i would take that as love.

but then again, wouldn't love be just another word? if you take into account the heartaches i have had, then you will agree with me that the word can mean like any other. if you say it often enough, and do what you will with it, it takes on the same resonance as, say, apple. table. pen. paper. love. when it is ever taken so lightly, as so often the world does, this is what becomes of love.

love is steady. i think. or it ought to be. love does not change - or, it shouldn't. love arises from extreme belief in the other person, faith that he is, and not what you wish him to be. love is not timed; it springs unbidden. love takes you by surprise. at least i think it should. it grows on you - the antithesis of deliberation. it is a sudden raindrop without the dark clouds foretelling. it is a big bash, not cause for grieving. love is standing by you, no matter what. love is holding your hand through the ups and downs, without letting go. love is being happy for the other person's happiness, and being there for his sadness. love is believing all the time. love does not tarry - when it's there, it's there, and is celebrated accordingly. love forges ahead, at whatever odds. love is solid. it does not say one thing, and does another. love is careful; love is gentle. love screams from the rooftops. as westlife says, "to know that i can say i love you, in any given time or place". love catches you when you fall. love wants what is good for you, and helps you get there.

all this is, of course, unrealistic. and only my definition.

maybe this is why, until now, i don't know what love is.